Just a couple of weeks ago, I was commenting to Miss Emma, Macie's teacher, that I was SO GLAD that Macie couldn't care less when I dropped her off in her class each morning. It's hard enough taking your children to daycare and leaving for a long day of work away from them. But it's even worse when (like Ivie, for example) your child begs you not to leave and clings to your leg until one of her lovely teachers (thank you, Erin and Kara!) can talk her into letting go by requesting a good morning hug.
So it was nice to only have to deal with that ONCE each morning.
But just like that, it happened. The day I've dreaded.
I thought at first that it might be a fluke. But, sadly, it's not. The last 3 times that I've had morning drop-off duty with the girls, Macie has clung to my leg and cried uncontrollably as Miss Emma and Miss Kisha try to distract her while I turn away and walk out of her room. No longer can I stand at her door and smile and wave at her as she returns the gesture and "shows off" with the toys in her room. No longer can I stand there and say "bye bye, Macie, I love you!" and wait for her "buh bye" to come in return.
Nope. Now I have to hurry out of her sight and listen to her cries of despair as her mommy leaves her. And it just really stinks.
I know that she probably stops crying even before I hit the front door. Just like I know Ivie does. I know that she has wonderful teachers who love her and take the very best care of her. I know that she's not old enough to (and, therefore, doesn't!) resent me for working. I know that she's learning so much at "school" and getting some great practice with socialization skills that will benefit her tremendously as she gets older. I know that her teachers are much more creative than I could ever be. I know the time away from her each day will fly by. I know that we'll have an amazing reunion at the end of each day, wherein she will catch sight of me through the doorway, throw down whatever toy is in her hands, and run, grinning from ear-to-ear, to greet me with a hug that grows more humongous every day. I know that I will continue to see this exact moment as the very best part of my workday.
But none of that knowledge makes it any easier to be a working mommy. Some days I think I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do with my time here on earth. I believe that I'm doing my very best in my "work life" to use His gifts to me in a way that glorifies Him. Other days, when I'm feeling particularly stressed, overworked, under-appreciated, and, above all, missing my babies, I'm not so sure. Sometimes I think there's got to be a happier medium in which I won't ever lose sight of my ultimate goals as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a co-worker, a friend, and, most importantly, a child of God.
But, for now, at this very moment, I just hope this stage of Macie's doesn't last long. Because it breaks my heart.